Shedding the past... Gaining a future

I’ve made excuses for years. I’ve become defensive and belligerent when someone confronted me about my weight. I’ve eaten my feelings, instead of dealing with them.

I’m making some drastic changes in my life. Whether I’m ready or not. I’m diving in. 

So here’s to starting over, again.

I’m going to get there. Maybe not right away, but I will eventually.

Thank you for the ones who have stuck around, despite my incessant pity parties.

• The fresh air
• The various inclines I come across with hills
• The fact that if I get tired and walk too far, I can’t be lazy and turn off the treadmill, like I would have in the past. I still have to get back home, so I have to keep on walking. 
• The fact that I’m alone and it’s just me and my thoughts for the next 30 minutes.
• The feeling I get after I’m done walking. The lightness, the exhilaration, the calm. 
• It feels really good. 

I went out for a walk this morning. I’ve been going through a difficult time these past few months due to personal issues and I haven’t been taking care of myself. Like at all. So I’m trying to put a conscious effort into ending that pattern. I woke up early, got ready, had some cereal and headed out the door. I felt so exhilarated after I finished my 30 minute walk. I think it was the refreshing Fall weather or just being outside in the sun. It really helped me feel a little better. I’m determined to make this a part of my routine. 

This was a huge step for me. Mostly because I hate working out in public (the primary reason why I have two wasted gym memberships, which I barely attended and then inevitably canceled). I hate the vulnerability of it all. It’s like you’re making a statement, “yeah, I know I need to lose weight, so I’m trying in front of everyone”. I might sound silly, but that’s exactly how it feels. I always wonder what people might be thinking when they see me, or see how my hips or thighs jiggle violently. However, today I just didn’t care. I began to think of my blog title. “What have I got to lose?”, and I realized, seriously. what is the worst that can happen? I might get heckled at, or teased (this never happens btw- it’s just my own paranoia that keeps me from doing things), but that doesn’t mean that I’m excused from trying. 

I just stepped outside and began to walk. I even ran a couple of times. And you know what? My hips and thighs did jiggle, they jiggled  A LOT. But that didn’t stop me. I just kept going. And I feel so DAMN good. Also, it really gave me a reality check of how unfit I’ve become. I didn’t even run for more than 30 seconds at a time and I had to stop. My chest became tight and I realized with each labored breath I took after that, that I need to do this for myself. It’s like for that short 30 minutes, all my problems melted away and it was just me, the cool fresh air, the bright sun, and the track ahead.  

I hope to make morning walks a regular part of my routine. It sounds like a pleasant idea. Oh… and to combat the idea that everyone was watching me and to thwart potential (non-existent) hecklers—- I blasted my iPod and wore huge sunglasses…

Because 1) It was in fact quite bright out this morning…

    2) The sunglasses totally concealed my identity—DUH!

I’ve realized that working out relieves a lot of stress and helps me sort out the chaos that is my life at times… I have final exams coming up and I’m freaking out. With less than two days to study for a class I’m practically failing, I need to get studying. But I think I will have a better time concentrating if I workout first….

So here it goes…